


Finally, after all these years, Handy Smurf has- a Gun.

by cap_n_port



Series: Smurfs Parodyverse [1]
Category: Les Schtroumpfs | The Smurfs
Genre: AND I KNOW I DONT USUALLY WRITE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Don't Like Don't Read, Emetophobia, Gen, Gun Violence, Implied Sexual Content, Murder, Parody, SERIOUSLY! I DONT WANT TO UPSET OR TRIGGER ANYONE OR MAKE ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexual Humor, i promise most of my smurfs fics are nothing like this, if you dont like robot chicken’s “house of smurfs” sketch you might not like this, if you’re an actual smurfs fan and dont like sexual humor or gorey humor you might not like this, this is just a crackfic/parody that isn’t “haha smurfette hot” or “haha vanity gay”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:42:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cap_n_port/pseuds/cap_n_port
Summary: I was tired of all those edgy smurfs parodies that didn’t know shit about the show. So here’s mine- there’s sex jokes and murder and implied sexual content, but it’s kept all in-character and nothing explicit is seen.Not tagging characters and relationships so that I don’t make anyone uncomfortable going through character or relationship tags- tagging fandom is necessary, unfortunately.
Series: Smurfs Parodyverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074704
Kudos: 2





	Finally, after all these years, Handy Smurf has- a Gun.

**Author's Note:**

> normal canon smurfs cannot have sex! i am against that! but the idea of the smurfs completely in-character talking about sex and murder and stuff was hilarious to me so i wrote this

> EXT. FOREST - EARLY MORNING
> 
> We see HANDY, HEFTY, BRAINY, and CLUMSY walking through the forest. HANDY and HEFTY lead the line, CLUMSY struggling to keep up, and BRAINY walking slowly behind CLUMSY, hands clasped behind his back. HEFTY is carrying four baskets at once.

CLUMSY

Golly, it sure is a good day t’ be out picking smurfberries!

HANDY

Yeah, it’s so nice out today!

HEFTY

It is, but, I can think of some things I’d rather be smurfing.

> HEFTY grins and nudges HANDY, and lowers his voice.

HEFTY (CONT'D)

Or somebody, amiright?

> HANDY chuckles.

HANDY

You wish.

HEFTY

What, are you challenging me for Smurfette again?

HANDY

Hey, I have a girlfriend, I don’t need Smurfette. I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian, is all.

HEFTY

Well, she won’t-

> CLUMSY interrupts them.

CLUMSY

Uh... what could be smurfier than pickin’ smurfberries on a sunny summer’s day like this?

> There’s a long pause as HANDY and HEFTY look at each other, guilty looks on their faces.

BRAINY (O.S.)

...I can think of a few things.

> HEFTY laughs.

HEFTY

You? I don’t think you have any clue what we’re talking about. You’ve probably only read about it in your little books.

HANDY

You think he even goes that far? He’s never even tried with Smurfette. He’s probably thinking about sitting inside and writing all day.

> HANDY turns his head, looking back at BRAINY.

HANDY (CONT'D)

Hey, Brainy, let me guess, your idea of a passionate night is passionately lecturing people about following the rules?

> Closeup on BRAINY’s face. His eyes are looking downward, but after a second, he looks up at HANDY.
> 
> Back to the wide shot.

BRAINY

Handy, Handy, Handy. I’m not going to answer that, because Papa Smurf says it’s not appropriate to talk about-

* * *

> EXT. FOREST - MID-AFTERNOON
> 
> It's a similar scene, but later on in the day. HEFTY and HANDY look annoyed, and they’re now at the back of the group, with BRAINY and CLUMSY side-by-side in the front, chatting animatedly. CLUMSY laughs, making a comment that's slightly too quiet for us to understand, and BRAINY looks away, seemingly embarrassed. HEFTY looks at HANDY, confused, and HANDY shrugs.

* * *

> EXT. SMURF SIDE PATH - CONTINUOUS
> 
> BRAINY stops, and CLUMSY trips over himself trying to stop as well. HANDY and HEFTY halt with no problems.

BRAINY

Uh, you know what? I think I smurf some smurfberries over there. Come on, Clumsy, come with me.

CLUMSY

Alright, Brainy. Why me, though?

HEFTY

Yeah, why him? We’re picking smurfberries, too.

> BRAINY turns around to face HEFTY and HANDY.

BRAINY

Hefty, Hefty, Hefty. This is an activity of a higher order.

> CLUMSY claps his hands together, looking like he understands what's going on for once.

BRAINY

Clumsy will accompany me. There’s plenty of smurfberries in the regular place.

> HEFTY and HANDY look at each other. BEAT.

HEFTY

...Well, better than being with you.

HANDY

I hear that. Bye, Brainy. Bye, Clumsy.

> HEFTY and HANDY head off. Once they’re out of sight, BRAINY grabs CLUMSY’s wrist, dragging him offscreen.
> 
> * * *

> EXT. SMURFBERRY PATCH - A LITTLE LATER

HEFTY

Y’know, it’s nice not to have Brainy around. I don’t know what Clumsy sees in that guy. Why are they best friends?

HANDY

You’re right. It’s so weird that they’re best friends. Maybe it’s because Clumsy’s the only one who can tolerate him.

HEFTY

Hey, speaking of Clumsy, have you noticed Smurfette around him? She keeps flirting... what does he have that I don’t?

HANDY

Well, he won’t pulverize her.

HEFTY

He won’t- hey! You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re jealous of these muscles!

> HEFTY flexes.

HANDY

What muscles? We’re smurfs. We all look the same.

(beat)

I think this is enough smurfberries, let’s head home.

HEFTY

And have to go collect Brainy? (sigh) Alright.

* * *

> EXT. SMURF SIDE PATH - CONTINOUS
> 
> There’s an overturned smurfberry basket lying on the path, and HANDY reaches down to pick it up.

HANDY

This is... Clumsy's basket. And they're nowhere to be found. What happened?

HEFTY

I don’t know.

(yells)

Brainy?! Clumsy?!

HANDY

(yells)

Where are you guys?!

> There’s no response. HEFTY walks further along the path, HANDY following. On the side of the path is an abandoned, mushroom-shaped shed.  HEFTY leans down, picks up a discarded smurf hat, and stands up.

HEFTY

Shit, shit, shit! Look what I found!

HANDY

Oh, fuck, something’s happened to them.

HEFTY

Gargamel must have got them.

* * *

> INT. STORAGE SHED - MID-AFTERNOON
> 
> We see CLUMSY, from the waist up. He’s looking anxiously at the door to the shed as muffled noise continues outside. Both his hands are covering his own mouth.

* * *

> EXT. SMURF SIDE PATH - MID-AFTERNOON

HANDY

I have an invention back in the village that can help us rescue Brainy and Clumsy.

* * *

> INT. HANDY'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER
> 
> HANDY holds up a SMURF-SIZED AK-47 RIFLE.
> 
> HANDY

This should smurf Gargamel enough to get them out of there, and get rid of the threat forever.

HEFTY

Whoa.

HANDY

It’s not loaded, of course.

> HANDY puts the gun down on his workbench and picks up a small packet, slipping the packet into his toolbelt.

HANDY

That will come later.

HEFTY

Handy, bro, are you sure this is a good idea?

HANDY

I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I’ve been contemplating this for a while, and I think now’s the time. I don’t want to smurf in fear anymore.

HEFTY

If you’re sure, Handy. No smurf has ever caused a death before, but if it’s Gargamel...

* * *

> INT. GARGAMEL'S HOVEL - LATE AFTERNOON
> 
> SCRUPLE sits at a table, chin on his hands, thinking. He’s quite a bit older from when we see him in the official cartoon, still clearly a teenager but with a small scruff of a beard on his chin. AZRAEL, now an old cat, is curled up at his feet.

GARGAMEL (V.O.)

Scruple! You worthless lump, stop zoning out and come help me figure out how to catch the smurfs!

> SCRUPLE lifts his head up, turning to face GARGAMEL. Camera pan over to show GARGAMEL with a giant map, little smurf figurines, and other assorted knickknacks. GARGAMEL looks almost the same as he did in the cartoon, except that his hair is gray.

SCRUPLE

Gargy, it’s been years, why don’t you give it up already?

GARGAMEL

I can’t give up! Once I catch the smurfs, I’ll have gold! Gold! And then I’ll finally be rich!

> SCRUPLE stands up.

SCRUPLE

Yeah, good luck with that, you decrepit old coot. I’m gonna go see if I can get a real fucking job, so we don’t starve to death. Come on, Azrael.

GARGAMEL

You’ll see, Scruple! I’ll catch them one day!

> SCRUPLE leaves, AZRAEL at his heels. The door slams behind them.

GARGAMEL

Oohhh, that rotten little tyke! He’ll see who’s so smart once I catch those smurfs!

> GARGAMEL continues planning quietly for several minutes, before the cat door in the door to his hovel slams open.
> 
> View on cat door, two smurf-sized silhouettes visible in the light coming through it. HANDY and HEFTY. GARGAMEL turns.

GARGAMEL

Smurfs! And you came right to me.

> HEFTY steps into the hovel. HANDY takes the packet from his toolbelt and places it into his AK-47.

HEFTY

You bet your ass we did. Tell us what you did to our friends.

GARGAMEL

Your friends? They’re not here. If I had any smurfs, I’d catch them- like so!

> GARGAMEL leans down to grab HEFTY, but HANDY cocks the AK-47, and shoots it. A bullet hits GARGAMEL’s arm, and he stumbles back.

GARGAMEL

What- what the fuck was that? What did you just do?

HANDY

This, I’m pretty sure.

> HANDY rapid-fires at GARGAMEL, riddling him with bullets. Blood comes rushing out as GARGAMEL collapses to the floor.

HEFTY

...Handy, I think he’s dead already. You can stop shooting.

> HANDY shoots GARGAMEL’s body a couple more times, before stopping and unloading his gun. The soles of his tights are red and sticky.

HANDY

We need to search for Brainy and Clumsy, quickly. Before Azrael returns.

HEFTY

Why? Is Azrael really that big of a threat?

HANDY

Well, I’m almost out of ammo.

* * *

> MONTAGE of HANDY and HEFTY ransacking GARGAMEL’s hovel. They don’t find BRAINY or CLUMSY anywhere.

* * *

> INT. GARGAMEL'S HOVEL - A LITTLE LATER
> 
> HEFTY and HANDY stand by the door again.

HEFTY

Huh. He didn’t have them- but then, who does?

> HEFTY looks at GARGAMEL’s body.

HEFTY

Oh, smurf, we killed a man... Handy, I think I’m going to be sick.

> HANDY reassuringly pats HEFTY’s back.

HANDY

Don’t worry, it was for the best. Now Baby and the Smurflings won’t have to grow up with the constant fear of being killed and eaten, or killed and boiled alive.

> HEFTY nods weakly, but kneels down, placing his hands on the floor, head just out of shot.

HEFTY (O.S.)

(vomits)

HANDY

Let’s go back to the village. We need to tell someone what happened.

HEFTY

One... second, Handy.

HEFTY (O.S.)

(vomits more)

* * *

> EXT. SMURF VILLAGE EAST ENTRANCE - DUSK
> 
> HANDY and HEFTY walk into the village, heading for the village square.

HANDY

Papa Smurf, anybody, Brainy is-

BRAINY (O.S.)

Right here?

> HEFTY and HANDY turn, and the camera pans, to see BRAINY and CLUMSY standing behind them. BRAINY’s hat is slightly askew.

CLUMSY

Oh, gosh, hi y’all. We was startin’ t’get worried when y’didn’t show.

HEFTY

We didn’t show? You’re the ones who disappeared! Where the hell were you?

BRAINY

Better question, what’s with the blood on your shoes, Handy?

HEFTY

Stop deflecting the question.

HANDY

Yeah, we came back for you after half an hour of smurfberry picking, and you weren’t where you said you’d be!

BRAINY

Half an hour?

CLUMSY

Oh, gee, half an hour? I guess we lost track of time, huh, Brainy?

> HANDY chuckles, and HEFTY tries to hide a smile.

HANDY (amused)

How do you lose track of time smurfberry picking?

> CLUMSY looks confused.

CLUMSY

Smurfberry pickin’? What d’y’mean smurfberry pickin’? We wasn’t pickin’ smurfberries, we was-

> BRAINY immediately slaps a hand over CLUMSY’s mouth.

BRAINY (loudly)

Okay! That’s enough of that, Clumsy! Everything’s fine, you can be quiet now.

> BRAINY briskly walks away, CLUMSY following. HEFTY turns to HANDY.

HEFTY

They really were just skipping out on chores, huh? Not captured by Gargamel?

HANDY

Yeah. Guess Brainy just wanted to  give a lecture.

> FADE TO BLACK. END.


End file.
